is it possible that i dont understand because they just aren't on the same page that i am on...?

so they keep talking about different things...

and that they have misdiagnosed me and because im believing that i have something completely different and my understanding of my symptoms are completely different from what they believe is going on with me so when they talk its all garbled to me because of my "learning disability" because i've come to an understanding and belief of something completely different than what they are believing and trying to explain...?

so when they speak its like... they are trying to explain stuff that is not relevant to my symptoms...

often times i feel like they are trying to tell me what my symptoms are even and not even listening to what im trying to tell them what my symptoms are...

and that really frustrates me...

i feel like i have complex symptoms... comobids... and the NP is trying to believe in bipolar... atleast she doesnt talk about it much she just has mentioned like 2 times that she feels like i seem more bipolar II rather than bipolar I like the first psychiatrist diagnosed me with...

i tried to explain that i read ALOT or have studied and read alot... and become obsessive... but i have tried to explain this stuff so many times i get tired of repeating myself and feeling like im not being heard...

i know i have C-PTSD... they know i have PTSD... i have been diagnosed with PTSD...
so we agree on that... i have been diagnosed with ADHD... and i have been trying to tell them that i dont think its bipolar since i have been going to the clinic... and been trying to talk to them about how i feel like its borderline personality for months now because of the similarities... and how i feel like the medications are not going to do what we want and how i dont want to keep trying a bunch of powerful drugs because of the side effects and because they just dont work... but i feel like they just are not listening its like they dont believe me and think that i cant possibly know what im talking about...

the last group, doctor, nurse, and case manager all told me to stop playing doctor... multiple times... told me to stop obsessing and just listen to the doctor and take the medications... but why blindly follow orders when my GUT is telling me its all wrong and its simply not working...

they are one of the reasons im so confused because they have been putting so much stuff in my head making me question and doubt all my own gut feelings....

because im not supposed to be stupid... im supposed to be smart... even though i might have a learning disability... adhd.. or whatever...

but they making me doubt it all... even though i am the one doing the research...
the one experiencing all the symptoms... the one living with it...

making me doubt my experience...

so im so detached and disconnected... so confused...

i dont know why im so confused, i really hate being confused man... i hate it so bad

im supposed to be highly intuitive... i really am... im not used to going through this...

im used to figuring things out very fast.... but ever since all this started my cognitive abilities are declining... faith in my abilities declining.. i dont trust my thoughts... i dont trust my feelings... i dont know... its not fair

why cant they just listen to me.... i feel like i know whats going on but everyone telling me to stop playing doctor, listen to them, but they dont know whats going on

my head just gets so distorted... i dont know whether to listen to them... or listen to me... my gut tells me to listen to me, because i know damnit, i know i know

you know...? i've read so damn much, ive gone through so many phases of confusion and trying to figure it out... i mean i even thought it was D.I.D. for a moment...

which still sometimes think it might be but i dont think so because its not so severe thats why i believe its borderline...

i know what bipolar is too, i've read and read about it... i have family that have it... my mom has it apparently... which i know predisposes me to it, and im not denying that i may have it, but its not what i feel, its not what seems to be going on...

so maybe i am denying it, see what i mean? they just got my brain so twisted...

this clinic has mind ****ed me...

but because of my personality problems its like... i wanna hate them... but then i defend them... and its a cycle... i cant hate them... i cant be mad at them... but im so damn pissed off at them... i just end up sitting here feeling so empty... i dont know what to feel because i feel like im sitting in the middle with both emotions going wild on the left the anger... on the right the serenity and hope and thanks toward them... and im in the middle... like what the ****...

do you know what i mean? i just feel like im being torn apart and it makes me feel like i am going to faint sometimes...

i havent had my blood pressure medication in a week or so too so i know thats not helping...

and i know drugs are bad.. i really do... but im addicted... and its killing me... i try to fight it but the thoughts and obsessive cycles in my head are driving me mad...
i try to do the things they say to cope... but they dont work... the thoughts stay there... because my mind splits or something and so many things can be going on inside my mind at once...

i can be having 2..3 conversations at the same time... while the drug cycles are repeating in my mind... and my body is just crawling... and my anxiety just goes up and up and up... i try to breathe and try to use distractions and try to slow my brain down but its so hard... i dunno if its the ADHD or what... but its really hard

i smoked like 3 hits of weed today but other than that i had been sober for a week and then smoked like 3-5 hits of weed over the last weekend... just to give scope of my use... just weed over past 2 weeks ... 2 times... but the thoughts are there... the cravings are so bad...

i dunno how to make it go away...

i dunno if the drugs are whats causing the confusion though... i think that its just because they are trying to say that its something that its not... right...?
and that i believe that i KNOW what it is and they wont listen to me... and that PART of me is like "maybe we should just believe what they are saying?" and im like, but the ****ing medications dont work god ***** .....

argh....