Hi Ms. Lizette,

This process of learning to love yourself is a long process and sometimes a life-long one.

Pat yourself on the back for recognizing that you have "lost yourself," in the allure of love and attachment to your husband. It is normal given you have attachment issues. You are not alone. There is a reason we all resonate with these matters. It makes for a very good community and we get it. The important step is to imagine a life where you can be in love with your husband and yet remain comfortably attached with LESS pain and suffering. LESS anxiety, less neediness, ruminations, abandonment thoughts and fears, jealousy, envy, loneliness, anger... It can be hard to imagine an image of ourselves like this, but IT IS POSSIBLE. The more you focus on what that looks like and how to get there, the closer it will be to becoming reality.

Awareness is the first step, and you certainly have it. Change is a matter of using that awareness and finding what needs to change, then putting into practice and making active steps to make it happen; like concentrating on YOU for a change. Taking courses is a brilliant idea! Something you love to do or didn't finish. Spend time researching the culture of the new country you are in and FIND something that you like to do! Maybe something new. Perhaps something you know you hate... There is always something valuable to take from doing something we absolutely despise doing; like for instance, we will begin to value the time we have doing something we enjoy. Too much of anything makes it less enjoyable. Sometimes the perfect fix is to do something we hate to balance things out. (Work takes on this role for a lot of people)

You are going through a lot. I know it might sound backwards to even suggest this, but you need to set appropriate boundaries with your husband and with everyone else in order to "find yourself." That means taking a step AWAY from your husband, despite everything inside of you wanting to take a step TOWARDS. These need to be baby steps, not big ones. You need to take baby steps in whatever direction leads to bettering yourself and you need to fight through all of the pain in doing so (including your husband potentially being angry with you) until you begin to see the rewards and benefits, not just for yourself, but also for your husband. Sometimes the best way to work on a relationship is by working on yourself. Believe me, most partners would be much happier if we were happier. That means living a balanced life and fulfilling the role of BOTH dependent and independent inside a marriage.

It is important to recognize the progress you are making despite all the obstacles before you. You may not feel it, but you are an extremely resilient person and you ARE moving forward. It is NOT easy given the pain and suffering that you experience, but it makes you alive. Real. The only person who can change you, is you. You don't NEED a team of mental health professionals in order to change. It is an active process to desire change and allow your emotions to drive you to do whatever it takes to change. Baby steps. You will find a way.

One thing you mentioned in your last post is that you don't know "how" to connect to anyone. (I assume you mean in your husband's country) I would have to say it is completely normal if you are having trouble connecting to anyone in your husband's home country, considering you are from a different country and you don't speak the native language. That must be very difficult and certainly amplifies your feelings of loneliness.

Are you able to connect to others back in your home country?

Let me know what you think. If it plants seeds in your head or not. I apologize for not responding to all the points you made, it is really late at night and I am unable to reply to everything you wrote.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Thanks,
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