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It started when I was 3yo. My single mother turned into an outstanding abuser. I won't go into all the tedious and twisted twisted details of what she did, but I'll say what bothers me the most now. Yesterday she whined about how some guy was yelling at his 3yo kid because the kid might get an emotional trauma, but the things that she did to me which are all worse by far are ok. Apparently I wasn't a kid but but a piece of ***** to her and everyone around.

For me it culminated with her forcing me to study what I didn't want to 'for my own good'. instead of a bit less profitable, but good vocation that I love. It was an enormous stress and waste of time for me. I was an underachiever, due to my lack of interest. She stole my youth and all of its opportunities and joys. What struck me that even when I was a kid people who claim to love and care about children knew what was going on and did nothing. I guess they had in mind their own biological children.

I berated myself for not outright asking anyone for help, but yesterday I realized that I did. When I was a kid I was told to bear it, bc someday I could get a job and move away. I spoke out about it not long after I started college and I was told: 'get a job, though it might be hard where you live' (yeah, it's very hard actually) and one person told me when I was in distress speaking about my abuse that I had PMS and to call when it goes away. They never told me I could try seeking free legal advice, being isolated and having restrictions on internet I didn't know the service existed and when much later I found out, I've lost all my faith in their ability to help me. I could've been kicked out into the street at any moment and die there, so I had to comply. I've never had a place to call home, it was her home and her rules. I never had anyone by my side in all of that.

I've lost a beloved person who was in my life only briefly, because of all of this...and the loss is permanent as we parted on extremely bad terms, because I lacked courage to open up about what's going on...it was so messed up, tangled and I had language barrier. The person left and I just said 'have a nice life'. To this day I grieve the loss. It was like losing a most beloved an precious family member of the sh*tty family that I never had.

Somewhere along the way depression crept up on me (during my childhood, I now realize). At one particularly hard time (external circumstance) I did think of suicide. I'm on a budget too low for therapist and medication (living in a state where health insurance doesn't cover those 'frivolous problems', you're a madman or it's held against you if you sought out professional help in obligatory medical chekups for driving license/work etc. Everything is dead here and I have no money. Good music and exercise make me feel better, but my main problem is with concentration and a bit with motivation. I can't focus on any learning material. I'm doomed if this goes on any longer. Please help me! How to focus?