It's the push/pull, BPD thing, I now understand.

There were people I didn't attach to like that.

But there are several significant people to me. I am a 'serial monogamist'. I had real, intimate relationships with these few men. Of course, it was so long ago and we were much younger.

But, I lived with them, spent every day with them, was essentially their wife. We loved each other. Even though I broke off those relationships, I never stopped holding them in my thoughts, in my heart.

While I didn't want to commit my life to them and have their children, I did love them, but only from a distance---yikes!