After I posted here I wrote and wrote more and more and realise what I'm doing is cutting of the feelings of saddness in my heart...I'm trying to think myself out of missing T when I need to go into the feelings of missing her. I suddenly got this realisatioin of the emptyness around me, that the anger and resentment I've been feeling at everyone around me is blocking me from feeling the gap between me and T...I feel better now....by letting myself miss her I also get to remember she's coming back...where as I refuse to miss her...I dont get to feel the satisfaction of her coming back...aarrr I dont hate the xmas tree so much this afternoon now!