Thank you for this, really.

It's not even about the connection any more -- it's rather hard to believe in it anyhow given her responses.

I am really certain now though that I have some rather entrenched problem with my anger / trust / emotional connection / empathy sort of stuff.

I don't know then if any other T would put up with it either (unless it's someone truly extraordinary and I have no idea how to find someone like that -- especially in this area which isn't the likes of NYC or CA or Chitown).

I guess I would be more ready to say screw it to her if not for a couple of reasons --
1. I'm really worried that sans therapy right now, I'll slide right back into craziness with my family.

2. This business of my not having empathy or having anger / trust issues etc is something that a bunch of other folks have pointed out -- family of course but also people I respect professionally, friends, partners etc. So, I think she does have a point?

And, for what it's worth, she did ending up telling me her insight (after I told her it's okay to say it all the same) -- it was kinda blinding (there was almost a one-to-one mapping between how I interpreted her behavior and responded to her [in hurt / anger] and my dynamic with my mother. I know it sounds very simplistic when I lay it out here because I'm not mentioning details but it was rather nuanced).

I guess the bottom line is this -- I'm a trifle too exhausted and frazzled right now to do a full-scale search for another T now (especially since I have little hope of finding someone else who's otherwise competent and deals with me better) and I'm not sure it's a good idea for me to be sans therapy until I'm on safer ground vis-a-vis family (and, to a lesser extent, have a better handle on what's beginning to feel like some non-minor looming depression).

So, I guess it's really just inertia -- not a great position to be in, I know.