I have always thought I have accepted my diagnosis. I mean its been 7 years, 8 years or more of pain but 7 years diagnosed. Today I was speaking to my worker and she asked me where I am going in my life. You see I was at college Jan-May but I don't think college is for me. I mean I struggled with the routine of getting up and going there plus I was having to use a taxi so I wasn't late which is financially difficult. Also my anxiety while at college was really high and I had to walk out of a class while there.

Today I have realised I haven't accepted my diagnosis and I resent it. I have stopped my meds which I know is stupid but not encouraged but I don't want to take them anymore. I feel they have worked and I am no longer ill if I was ill in the first place. I miss my old life. I miss working, having money (unlimited at that), friends, colleagues, respect, dignity, a life and more. I miss what I use to do and how I was and acted. Okay I'll admit it I DO NOT miss the deep deep depression or the scary highs. I admit it the meds DO work I can see that.....

My worker says what about a job... I wish... I have applied for at least 8 jobs over the years and I have been turned down for every one cause the line of work I am looking at is what my job use to be before I became ill. I was a Support Worker working with men in a challenging behaviour unit who had Autism. It made me crazy BUT I loved it. You have to work night-shift and wake in nights plus 24 hours. I can't do any of these cause I "supposedly" take meds. I mean I am only on 2 meds for my Bipolar. Its not like I take loads is it.

I am stubborn and I have high expectations for people and of myself. I know this for a fact. I know for a fact I have high anxiety and social anxiety and its never going to be great. I understand all of this but I don't understand the Bipolar part.

I guess I am just frustrated in life and with life. I am angry at myself for being so bloody weak. I know you will all say I am not weak but that's the way I feel. I feel deflated in and with life. I don't know what to do???

Plus I am going through changes to my benefits for disability. Which is stressing me out

Any way's thanks for reading this!!