My freakout was Monday. I didn't hear from him all week and it further reinforced that he didn't care about me. So I left a message on Thursday telling him that, and then apologizing for being so pissed, and then taking that back because I have a right to feel pissed that he deosn't care about me. On my message, I explained that this has been hanging over my head all week and I can't concentrate or anything.

So T left a message Friday saying clarifying that I could have my next appt. back. He said he didn't call after my Monday message because he got from my message that I really didn't want to see him again or hear from him. He explained that twice in his message--and it sounded so cold and 'professional.'

It really let me down and I was already depressed and just spiraled further down. I didn't want to get out of bed Saturday and just withdrew from my wife. She got mad and then cried because she felt like I was shutting her out. So I got mad--probably because she wasn't reading my mind and my heart--I know that's not her job. I was just feeling like a little boy. She got me out of bed and to do a lot of errands for Christmas.

Anyway, I feel like such a big %#@&#!. . .a big wuss. . .that I'm so fragile that it makes such a difference to me what my Pdoc. and T think of me. I hate feeling like this--like a little boy and my parents don't care. G**d***, I'm supposed to be an adult, a man. . .

While I was running errands, I left a message for my Pdoc. explaining how depressed I am and asked if I should just work through this with my T, or would an increase in one of my meds help. He hasn't called back yet--probably won't until Monday. (It was hard navigating his hospital's phone system and I couldn't find a dr. on call. . .)

Sorry this is long and rambling. That's the update. I'm miserable but have all these concerts I have to perform and put on my 'Merry Christmas' face.