Abby, thanks for taking the time to respond with so much thought, as I never expected anyone to give my exposition quite so much consideration. there is of course a huge variety of these kinds of feelings and experiences that has occurred to me over the 2 decades of my adult life, I was trying to give a snapshot of where I find myself right now. Some of the things you mentioned certainly brought me back to earlier years, I actually remember a lot of it with a bit of sentimentality, even though I was quite beside myself with existential misery myself during those times, still it is a part of me and I have almost a weird affection for all those past experiences if only to think, wow, I can't believe I survived all that time under those conditions. So much of what I have been going through for decades now it is almost astonishing to me at times that a person can even live through it. It always feels worst right in the middle of an episode. There have been a handful of really high, positive, peak type experiences, but by far these experiences have been outweighed by either negative experience, or feelings of complete emptiness. Like you, I at times have felt profoundly connected to the experience of life on earth, but these feelings are quickly usurped by a sense of everything on earth going completely wrong, or else what might happen, its difficult to explain, but I notice that if I hear a song that makes me feel really good positive feelings, the opposite feelings begin to occur at the exact same time, like I am experiencing the totality of the pleasure and pain at once. It makes me shrink away from the world, I would rather not feel anything at all, and that's what happens, the mind temporarily grows a callous over the areas of itself that cause it pain. In time the callous wears away or falls off, only to repeat the process again. I am like a tortured spirit, in some ways, halfway between this world and the next, not able to decide where I belong
I remember telling my ex-wife one time that my personality was like someone you would meet in the next world, and she was like yeah, I can really see what you mean. I thought, wow, this girl really understands. 12 years later, I am thinking maybe thats when she finally decided she needed to get away from me.
Just to let you know, I put some "poetry" over in the creative writing section in case you want to see more of my recent anti-inspirational writings