I see so many people here feeling pain and even tortured because of transference they are experiencing with their T. All too recognizable (I have experienced the most painful transference with (much older) men in an authoritarian position in romantic relationships that crossed allowed professional boundaries, that repeated a certain mentally abusive pattern from my youth). That being said: I know I'm sensitive for (mostly abusive) situations of transference.
I was thinking we could perhaps start a thread in which we can:
1) list things/situations that can trigger and intensify your transference, so that you can see it as a warning sign to try to somehow distance yourself from those situations a bit.
2) list things you can do to make the transference a bit more bearable and perhaps lessen it a bit. For some of us a way to deal with transference may be working through it with a very good T, of course (make sure it is a very good T that knows what he/she is doing!)
I myself would consider it very helpful if others would continue the list. What might help for me perhaps doesn't help you so please take whatever you can use from this list and dismiss the rest. The last thing I would want is to make anyone feel worse with suggestions in this list of course!
My personal transference triggers – situations to avoid:
1) Feeling rejected, abandoned, worthless: often after specific interaction with family.
2) Thinking over stressful events of my past
3) Unexpected painful events in my daily life/interaction with random persons that may trigger feelings of being isolated, rejected and abandoned.
4). Reading stories/Facebook posts from people that are extremely beautiful or accomplished, which triggers feelings of being worthless.
5). Little sleep
6) Contacting your subject of transference (per email/telephone/text): major transference trigger for me as he/she is likely not to respond as you would have wished, plus you are again thinking about him/her.
7) Thinking too much about him/her. For me it is helpful to stop the too romantic fantasies, they are not realistic and will only intensify the transference.
Things you can undertake to make transference more bearable/distract your attention:
1) Making sure to have things on your hands/to do. Sitting behind a computer and doing nothing, thinking over painful events can certainly make me long for a hug from him. Distract yourself!
2) Interacting with friends/acquintances, if even online if that is the only option. You can go to a forum or anywhere else to chat. As long as it is a positive environment.
3) Taking a walk in the fresh air – difficult to force yourself to do this if you're feeling depressed, but it does help imo.
4) Exercising: release those endorphins! Even science shows us this should help with depression/feeling horrible. Plus your self image may improve. Difficult to make yourself do this though when you're feeling depressed.
5) Listen to uplifting/upbeat/happy music (make a music list): avoid sad music that makes your thoughts drift off too much.
6) Find a passion/hobby you really like a lot and try to really engage in it. You can discuss it with others (online), educate yourself more about it, etc.
7) Do anything that makes yourself feel better about yourself. Perhaps you can start an (online) course, or set up a website/blog, or even a small company. If you can set up something wherein you can really express yourself, you will cherish it and it will make you feel better about yourself.
8) Travel - assuming you are in a good enough mental place to do so. It doesn't have to be far or expensive: you can go to a place that is a trainride away. A new environment, new people etc (if you're not socially anxious) can really open your mind and bring you a new perspective.
9) Unless you don't like dancing at all dancing (even a few minutes inside your home) can often make people think about something else for a moment. I even saw some studies that confirmed this.
10) This is a very personal one and perhaps not good for everyone – I would not want to suggest you would need to improve yourself in any way of course. But in my case if I experience transference I often feel not intelligent/accomplished or pretty enough. One thing that helps for me to take more distance is to set myself a goal, such as: “I want to have learned X” or “I want to have a trained body”. I won't deny my secondary thoughts are that if I accomplished my goal the subject of my transference will see me/care for me/treat me differently, which is not constructive obviously, but at least it will make me stop wanting to contact him. Since I first want to 'better myself' before I would do so. In those few months that I work towards those goals, I think less about him, and ultimately after a few months in which I worked towards those goals I notice the transference/feeling of attachment is far less. See it as the following: often it is advised when you get out of a painful relationship and would want to 'win the affection' back of your ex-partner to 'behave independently' to make your ex-partner know what he misses. The goal is to focus on yourself but for many the secondary goal is to attract the ex-partner again. But during that period in which you focus on yourself, often the feeling of wanting your ex-partner back is becoming far less prominent, or even disappears.
11) Try to see your subject of transference for what he/she really is - as well as yourself and the relationship you have with him/her. This may not help for you (since I for example tend to be triggered by abusive behavior so it still will not steer me away), but it may help. For example: if I feel worthless and too ugly in a situation of transference I can look at a picture of the subject of my transference and try to put things back in a more realistic perspective. I can see the subject of my transference is decades older, and subjectively not that physically attractive as my strong feelings of attraction would suggest. That I'm not too worthless or ugly, and that I should not feel that way in other words. Or I can try to realize his behavior is so abusive that any relationship is never going to have a happy ending. That it will only cause me grief and possibly eat away years of my life in which I would feel very depressed. It doesn't help me to think things over too much, but to put things back in a realistic perspective does tend to help.
12) Break off contact with people that make you feel miserable/have a negative influence in your life, or distance yourself from them as much as you can. Painful interactions with them will likely intensify your transference.
13) Catch some sunrays! Those endorphins are released again!
14) Try to laugh for example by watching a funny video/program on Youtube. Laughing releases endorphins too.
15) Dress yourself in a way you like, try to take a shower, do your hair, etc Try to take care of yourself in other words, even if you are feeling miserable, as it will make yourself feel better about yourself.
16) Watch a 'feel good movie' to put your mind on other things and to lift up your mood. I personally like Amélie and Chocolat for that.
17) Hug a pet, and play with your pet. It can release oxytocine which is a hormone that will make you feel happier, as well as endorphins.
18) I know this can be such a letdown to say if you're feeling miserable and in pain experiencing transference, but still it can help me so I will mention it. I tend to think for example about other people in a horrible position (I recently saw a documentary about Albino children in Africa for example that took my breath away) and it will help me to put things back in perspective, if even for a moment.
Etc etc
Last edited by fishwithoutabowl; Jun 30, 2017 at 12:27 AM.
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