How do you all deal with relationships with your bipolar? I know this has been discussed a lot here but I'm wondering.

So as you all know I lost my husband two years ago. I haven't really been interested in dating, mainly out of fear. Well on Monday I started talking to this guy I've known for a few years who recently (within a couple of years) separated from his wife. We started flirting and I hung out with him on Tuesday, then we continued flirting and then yesterday I went to his house and we hooked up. Now I'm having intense anxiety about the whole situation.

He made it clear that he's not looking for a relationship, just to have some fun. That's pretty perfect for me because I am now realizing I'm not ready for the emotional connection of a relationship. I feel like my bipolar ruined my husband's life and ultimately killed him. I don't want to unleash it on another person. Plus I am terrified of sharing my life with someone only to have them ripped away from me again, either through death or just breaking up.

Basically I'm terrified of developing feelings for this guy. I want to keep seeing him but I'm just so afraid of where it could go, except that I know he doesn't want a relationship either (he's also quite a bit older than me).

I'm just not sure I could ever trust anyone again. This guy knows of my past struggles but he doesn't specifically know that I have bipolar. I mean it's hard to hide my past when I'm covered in hundreds of self harm scars. But I would just be afraid of ruining someone else's life if I start to cycle again. I don't think anyone could love me enough to put up with it. My husband did but he turned to drugs to cope.

I wish my therapist wasn't on vacation next week. She did say we could reschedule for a different day so I might text her to see if I can get in.

On top of it all I am struggling with quitting smoking and therefore dealing with intense insomnia. I was EXHAUSTED yesterday but could not fall sleep. I finally broke down and took a klonopin around midnight and was able to sleep until 7.

I've also been drinking frequently since I'm not working right now and I'm sure that's not helping.

Does anyone else feel afraid of relationships because of bipolar?