DadFMF, actually eskie has made some good points. Bill3 has some good suggestions too.

This is good that you shared this because this is something you need to work on more. This is being "possessive", when it comes to your ego. And this is what contributes to your challenge with anger. This is saying, "I feel threatened if I am not the center of attention". And, if you sit and think about this, this is connected to her statement, "I gave YOU 10 years". This is where things have changed in that it's not "all about YOU".
A lot of the things you have shared have been a lot about how your wife is making an effort to step up to the plate and have HER own control/identity for a change.

Also, part of the reason she wants her own space is her desire to have "her own" too. I think this is why she talked about "not" moving into a place that you get for housing. That's something "YOU" picked out, not the two of you and she is not going to go back to that where she just follows along with you. Honestly, I think that is also part of how she was selfish sexually that one time that confused you. However, I also explained to you how a lot of women go along with "the physical" that actually is where the man is satisfied and the woman isn't. I know this because I have done this myself. And actually, when you shared her comment about "yeah I had sex, but that's just sex", that was telling you something about where "she" feels your mind is at and what part you contributed to the marriage.

You say, "she was a good wife, and I did not appreciate her", and she is showing you what was "missing". And one thing she did not want was you being physical with her and she kept you at a distance. Yet, when she drinks she allows it right? Sober she isn't because SOBER she is still thinking about what you did do and what you did not and how she was unhappy and quite frankly BORED. So, she sits and talks to you about HER friends and HERSELF and your reaction is what? Feeling like you got slapped in the face? Why, because things did not revolve around YOU? Interesting how one of the statements she said to you about this other guy is how "he made dinner for her and the children". What that REALLY meant was she was sharing how he did not JUST expect her to do a duty and he was thoughtful.

I think your wife is trying to figure out her own self worth. Her marriage to you did not make her happy and when she caught you texting with another woman that was when it became REAL to her. Often a woman will marry a man who she can feel SAFE with. There is a LOVE that comes with that, but when that's threatened it can dramatically change that deep seeded need for SAFETY.

This relationship forum is FULL of questions where a lot of women made choices in a partner out of "low self esteem" and that is also part of why a lot of women stay married even though they are unhappy and EVEN WHEN they are being emotionally neglected and are with a man that can be SELFISH. And yes, even when they are in a relationship where it's gotten to a level where they are basically just room mates.

You still have not done anything FUN with her. All you have talked about is going over to HER place. You don't have ANY adventures together and there are LOTS of places you can go to in your state that can be fun.

Where do you PLAY DadMFM? What did she show you a video of about this other guy? She showed him being PLAYFUL. And where did your mind go to? "Did she have sex with him? Well, is that the ONLY kind of play you think of? When she talked about her friends what did she share, HOW THEY PLAY? A couple that stays together PLAYS TOGETHER. How do you engage in that?