Dear fish...(I don't intend to offend by shortening your name),

Erotic transference and countertransference are somewhat different than the garden variety of transference. From what I've read lately, written by reputable researchers, erotic transference is based in the early psychosexual stages of development; if we didn't get through a stage successfully, often those feelings get transferred to the T or another important figure. Example: If I didn't get through the phallic stage of development by feeling my father wasn't available to give me the loving attention I needed, I will carry that need w/me through life, looking for someone who can satisfy the need. Freud was the first to write about this - related to the Oedipus complex (boys) and Electra complex (girls). Recently, a number of researchers are taking issue with the Oedipus complex (Klein, for one). This is NOT another parent-bashing phenomena - due to my father's profession, there was little he could do to give me all I needed, though heaven knows, he tried. The four stages of development are: oral, ****, phallic, and genital. (There is a latency stage in which the child is not, in some way, working in a psychosexual way)

My specific problem with what you suggested is this: In the list of things we should try to avoid, such as feeling rejected, abandoned, etc. by others in our day to day interactions, all of those feelings are part and parcel of my what I'm struggling with in therapy. I can't always tell when someone is rejecting me and I was abandoned by two mothers and a love interest. Only recently, after two years of therapy, have I been able to get through a week w/out seeking assurance from my T that I've not been abandoned. This is a long, painful struggle that most will understand who have abandonment issues. Sometimes, what we might need to avoid are the things we need to work on, outside of therapy and in therapy.

My T is one who understands erotic transference, maintains boundaries, is not afraid of my feelings, and is helping me "get to the feelings that caused the feelings" of my erotic transference. Much of a clients' success in getting through these feelings are dependent on the T and their experience.

I think you have good ideas, but what clients need to do or avoid may differ w/each person. My T knows I'm still in the skeptical phase that these painful longings will get resolved. It may take a long time, but I'm not going to run for the hills, primarily bc I've done a lot of research on the subject and know that it's possible to get past this, w/greater closeness to my T and better understanding of my problems being the prizes. Knowing if one has a T who can get you through it, though, is critical.

I empathize w/everyone who is hurting right now. I'm right there in the fray, too.