Thanks, all. Yeah, I'm expecting too much.

I think it's just a symptom of how desperate I am and how isolated Ive become. I living on my own right now. I don't see anyone. I don't like to call my H and burden him. I've been firefighting work stuff for so long, there is nothing else in my life l. T is all I have. And I know how unhealthy that is. I am just so far gone & have nothing left inside to rebuild the elements of a healthy life. It feels like just one more thing to fix.

I didn't even text anything that would have indicated it was urgent: I just asked if he had a free time. Because I never reach out for help it took a huge amount for me to even do that. A normal person would have left a message saying things were bad and asking for a phone call. I can never do that, especially when I am that far gone.

I would never turn up at an ER, or ask for any other help:if I lived, the consequences of that on my life & on a bunch of prople who depend on me would make any life on the other side unliveable. If i survived the suicidality, the practical disruption, guilt and shame would drive me to it, anyway.

I very nearly checked myself into a private psyc hospital yesterday, but I think losing control of what happened next would be a worse than the alternative.

What did I want from him? Big question. I am doing some thinking about that.