We've talked that through until I'm blue in the face. He knows we process differently and that I need time & space to gather myself. He just can't let it go in the meantime, so he hovers or makes me discuss it with him. I cave most of the time, because it's easier than working through what I need and then working through his crappy mood because he's had to wait and has imagined all kinds of weird things.

He did agree today that he would try to back off a conversation if I told him I needed a break with time/space to get myself together, but that he needed me to assure him that I would come back to the topic with him once I had enough time/space. Sometimes that would be fine, but I told him that I have the right to get angry with him over something, reflect on it, and just move on if I figure it's not something that really needs to be hashed out. He can't agree to that. If I'm upset with him at all, if HAS TO turn into a long, drawn out conversation where we work through all the demons of our relationship. It's exhausting, and honestly doesn't make me feel very much like being honest with him when I'm upset, angry or frustrated with him or something he does. I'd rather just say it's all fine so that I can work through it on my side without feeling like there's a deadline to sit down with him and hash every little thing out to death.

Nicole, your suggestion about the journal is a good one, but made me laugh a little. That's actually one of the bigger issues we've had in our relationship. Early on in our marriage (12+ years ago?), he gave me a journal as a gift. I was depressed at the time, and writing helped me to work out what was eating away at me from time to time. He saw it on the nightstand one day and decided to read it. He told me immediately, but was distraught by some of the things that I wrote, especially about him and our relationship. This is one of the reasons I need time & space to process; my depression and anxiety can lead me through tortuous paths that aren't based entirely in reality. It's true for me emotionally, but as I work through it I can see that some of what I'm feeling has to do with other issues in my life, or is colored heavily by the emotional state I'm in and the mental grooves my mind is used to in those states. Anyway, that was a HORRIBLE evening where I had to spend hours reassuring him that I wasn't miserable in our marriage, I didn't hate him, etc. All because I wrote something down in a private journal when I was upset, and he violated my trust by reading it.

As a result, I've never written anything else down where he could find it, even though writing is one of the most therapeutic ways I have of working through my emotions and challenging issues. It's one of the reasons I write on PC - he doesn't know I have an account, and I feel like I can speak really openly with people who won't judge me or him in real life. There are no consequences here if I accidentally write something in the heat of the emotional moment, and getting it out can be incredibly calming and grounding for me. So I guess, in a way, this is a journal entry for me more or less, even though it's not about my dreams and desires.