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And the first possibility you should rule out, before all else, is malingering (or a factitious disorder).
You have claimed to have pretty much all mental disorders. It could be that that is because you are genuinely desperate and looking for answers; very strong beliefs (including about having some disorder) and a very strong confirmation bias may mean you're experiencing delusions. But I doubt it.
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Mania kills cells. Brain cells die. Memories become more reduced conceptually, making more efficient use of limited means. Memories shape our reality. Our memories are more or less split in two by abstractions, conceptual reductions. Mood states with memories, concepts, attached. Memories of pain and those of joy. It causes instability, changeability. Fearing that will leave an emptiness between pain and joy and a greater divide.
See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me.
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