Yea, it can suck for sure at times. I have never thought I didn't deserve it though. I always think I deserve the bad and am always surprised when something good happens.
I have finally come to a realization that T was right though, that it saved me (She loves it when I tell her she was right about something lol). It served its purpose when we were children, but it's a hindrance now... although even in my adult life, it keeps me functioning when I would be otherwise unable to.
I grieve at times because I don't remember parts of my life that I wish I did. Sometimes I can't take care of things or situations like I would like because I check out but other times, other parts take care of things much better than I would know how to.
I still often think I'm crazy but I've also realized that people don't really know what is going on. Even when inside my head there is so much noise and I am so far in the back that I would have to get a pole to reach my eyeballs, no one on the outside seems to think anything is out of the ordinary.
I'm "eccentric," "young at heart," "forgetful," etc. But we are also strong people and when most people can't stand the heat and get out of the kitchen, we keep cooking and often make a fine meal (funny analogy because this part of the brain does not know how to cook lol).
Hang in there, you'll make it.