i was just about to log off but your post kept coming up in my mind......it's such a horrible place where you are right now.....absolutely nothing makes a difference......as you say...all is lost..i too have found myself in that place,that dark, cold hole.......nothing anyone says will make the slightest bit of difference to you.....but we as your friends need to write words to you.the words may not matter to you but as i told stefano at an earlier date,if we did not write......it would only be worse for you..you need words even if they make no sense right now... i am glad that your children are important enough to you so that the thoughts of suicide fade away.......this past summer i was like you for almost six weeks.....my first morning thought was that i hated my life and things only got worse as the day went on..lol...i was at the point where i did not even care about those i would leave behind .......but.......with the help of a dear friend (nina) who not let me give up on myself no matter what....i made it out of the hole.......you too cyrano will see the sunlight again......love to you