It's the bolded part that prevents me from contacting her. I don't know if she does understand and the majority of me doubts that she knows how to handle. Her comments of "Oh God, no again" when I say how hard it is for me, even in jest, make me wonder. That's exactly what attachment trauma clients do...we joke about everything, water things down, say things dead-panned and sadly, the therapist has to have a good eye for these things and she does not.

Into week 2 or 3 of having things vastly change when I discovered I had an attachment to her, she was saying, "So have you leaned into being connected to me?" No, of course not. I haven't allowed a woman to get close to me, platonically, since I was a teenager (at least 20 years).

I talked about how I don't store people in my phone. I just don't. It freaks me out. When a friend of mine discovered this, that she wasn't stored as a contact in my phone, she was hurt. I tried to convey to her that I really do care very much, but that it's just the way I am and has nothing to do with her personally...she still wasn't happy, said she was deeply disturbed and I felt guilty and began to pull-back from that friendship. Conveying this to my therapist, she called me "rude" and said "this isn't always about you."
I felt awful. I got defensive and shut down. I felt guilty and not like a good person. "Therapist (her name), I really am trying and I really do care. I'm going through a lot right (divorcing a man, coming out as gay and confusing people because I don't look like a cliche lesbian, my extended family shunning me, guilt, shame, panic and anxiety, along with financial difficulties as my husband and I divorce)...but I still tried to explain to my friend that I do care."

Her reply was a duplicate of before, "This isn't always about you." I felt bad and began to shut down. This is what we argued about before and then it escalated when I showed her a proposed model of treatment for avoidant clients in which the therapist should challenge the client's avoidance and activate their attachment system.

Many comments alone that she says, strike me that although I try to explain things to her...she isn't understanding. And I get it. Not everyone can.

At the end of our last session, she said "Well, at least your body language is better towards me. You're not facing the wall...but ur still sitting the furthest away from me and I see you have your little protective pillow to block me."
It made me feel very small. I do position my pillow as a protective measure and sit the farthest away from as I can, even into a year of therapy...but I have issues with being perceived as weak and her observations regarding the pillow made me feel very, very small.

I have been questioning, the last 4 visits or so, if she can truly help me. Talking about the week before only helps so much. I want to delve into more. She refuses to. And the rest of it.

I'm so torn and conflicted. If I wasn't attached, it would be an easy decision to make.