ok here is the deal ... i teach children at church .. had a program lined up for them ... but being so much lack of communication .. when it came time for another practice with the kids and dance team .. a fourth of them showed up .. no one wanted to practice .. we did practice with what we had but they were all just not wanting to be there .. the dance team practiced my partners song - so i asked the kids - since we are doing all sign songs .. do you want to do this? i asked each one of them ... they all said no. so i said ok then ... its time for me to leave and you can all go back home. and i left.
my pastor .. who is my biggest trigger emotionally .. was there when i came in to practice .. instantly my anxiety level skyrocked .. i tried to get away from her and go over what we were going to practice before the kids came ..
have been practicing sign for weeks trying to get this all together - have a narrator read between songs etc..
the pastor looked in on me before she left with another person to see if i had everything i needed .. i said yes.
she left and seriously - i could not even remember the words to the simplest songs like silent night - drummer boy - anything .. and remember the signs .. my mind was gone .. completely dissociated i think .. i was not myself at all .
i called her up when i got home and said i wouldnt be back - there is no time to practice again before the sceduled candlelight service (where the kids would have a program) .. and - i wasnt going to force my will on little children or teens who do not want this... God doesnt force ppl at all and i am not about to force a child or teen to do anything they dont want. i respect the kids feelings.
So basically there is nothing going to happen that night save a song dance my partner taught them.
My pastor told me i wasnt a good teacher if i couldnt MAKE them practice..
i said well i guess i am not a good teacher then ... i wont be back.
Now my pastor is angry - very angry - she had my partner call me up to talk to me .. and she was listening in.. she doesnt know i know that but i have seen her do that before to other people when she doesnt want to talk. . so i said i was not going to force them to do anything. .. etc.
She (my pastor) wanted to change everything i had planned with what they did last year .. well .. i wasnt there last year or even 10 years ago when i used to teach there..
i wanted everything mew and powerful - exciting - etc ..
so now she can do what she wanted in the first place .. go back to the old stuff and do whatever she wants with the kids.. not my problem anymore.
I enjoyed not being there this morning with my family
It is where i should be anyway.
Hope their childrens program turns out good

There is so much to this story but cant write it all out .. would take up so much time and space.