Yes, I wonder if she's the person to do this. She doesn't specialize in attachment issues, so now I feel like I've gone to a brain surgeon when I need a cardiologist.
I know she has troubles w/having her authority question, as she has told me as much, but this is in her professional life. She had a bad day once because an underling questioned something about her work. She became furious w/this woman, but for something else other than the real reason. Later, it dawned on her that she just didn't like having her authority questioned. She relayed this to the DBT skills group that I was in (she's also been my therapist this entire time).
I've been jaded with her this past month or so when all of this attachment stuff started. She's missed key questions, asked the wrong questions, failed to follow up on things that I feel and know, she should have. Being avoidant, I don't bring this things up with her, but I do remember them.
After our therapy sessions took a drastic change once I realized I had formed an attachment to her, I found her not able to process my feelings for her. It was as if she didn't believe that my feelings are only platonic and I found myself over-explaining.
In one instance very early on, she made an uncomfortable segue of, "Well, do you have anything other than your feelings about coming here, and about me, that you want to discuss?" and she shifted her body in discomfort.
It screamed to me that she missed the point that this IS the work I need to do. This is it right here. It's what I always run away from. I also felt she didn't have trust in me as her client, to know that this isn't all about my feelings of me/her...but it is the arena in which I learn how to safely attach in a secure environment. Now, I don't think she can provide that secure environment.
I also didn't like when I tried to separate her from the woman who performed a lap dance for me. I want to sever any link between them and so, I thought out loud, "Maybe you two only look alike because of your hair cut." To which she replied, "Oh (my name), you know we have MUCH more in common than our haircut." It made me uncomfortable and I didn't like it. I became uneasy and stuttered. I wanted to separate linking them together and she very much brought it back together with that comment. Then again, she did tell me that she's been offered a job as a stripper (years ago, when she was in school to become a T) in the past. She also reminded me that she likes strip clubs (no, she's not bisexual or gay she said- she likes to go to laugh at the comedy they offer) and that she wanted to visit the strip club I visited to take a gander at this woman who looks like her.
As much as I might miss her and I don't think it's gonna really hit me until Friday when I don't have to drive to go and see her, I'm not seeing how she can help me anymore.
She's also very friendly and more like a friend when she wants to be (and says things like, "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but...") and then when she feels fit, gets very clinical. To me, who has a real huge issue with trust, I'm unsure which person/side of her I'm going to get. This has reared it's head the last few weeks, when it hasn't before.
I feel that by challenging her treatment plan, I challenged her authority. She had just moved offices and was walking me around to get acquainted w/the new facilities when we walked into her office and she welcomed me to see her "throne." We've talked about her ego before, but I never thought it would make it's way into my therapy and she become triggered because of it.
I do agree about the LGBTQ perspective. Someone who can understand my guilt, shame, and this huge transition in my life.
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Originally Posted by ElectricManatee
This sounds like a really difficult situation. The sarcasm ("Nice. Real nice.") and the door-slamming are gigantic red flags to me. Even if your T was having the worst day ever, her job is to put her personal issues aside and be present with you without getting angry or impatient. She needs to be strong enough to weather the storms while you work through the intense emotions that you're learning how to handle.
I haven't seen the article you reference about challenging people with avoidant attachment styles, but I'm wondering whether this T is capable of doing it. It seems to me that the way to challenge avoidant attachment is to show you that intense connection with another person can be safe and predictable. Her behavior isn't either of those things. You need stability to feel like you can safely show somebody all the confusing and stressful things you are dealing with right now. Nobody has the right to belittle you, especially not a therapist.
It also worries me that your T was dismayed when you wanted to revisit something that is clearly a pressing concern for you (the ""Oh God, not again" thing). It's your therapy, and she should trust that you will talk about the things that are important for you to talk about. Even if it's the same topic every week for six months. She should help you process things in different ways, look at them from different angles, and GENTLY try to help you out of the loop if she feels (after listening attentively for a very long time) that you are stuck.
My opinion is to maybe look for a new T who specifically mentions having training and experience with LGBTQ issues. Maybe even look for a queer-identified therapist. I had one when I was coming out, and it helped enormously. I felt safer and more understood before I ever told her anything because I knew she would understand what I was going through, based on her personal and professional experience. Secondly (but not less importantly!), make sure this new T has the ability to hold the boundaries that make your therapy all about you, because it absolutely should be. You want somebody who will listen to everything you say and who will respond to your intense emotions with empathy and curiosity, not frustration. It sounds like things really have gone awry with your current T, and that is truly unfortunate.
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