really let T have it today. told him everything ive been thinking and feeling for almost a year now but have been too scared to really express. it was all regarding the boundary changes. i could tell he was struggling to sit there and have that conversation. i can imagine it must have been pretty freakin uncomfortable. he was quiet and spoke very softly. he mostly said things like im sorry, im sorry for doing things that have hurt and confuse you. i even told him the stuff about how in the beginning he was there 24/7 and now its like a complete 180. i told him he played a part in this dynamic developing, whether he meant to or not- he did. i asked him if he remembers... if he rememebers those first 3-4 years, or has he conveniently forgotten. he mentioned the place we met in, a residential treatment facility. i told him yes that place was different, and the boundaries there are more grey, but i dont think that is an excuse.... he asked if i remember when we talked about how things would change after we both left the treatment facility. i said yes i do but its weird because things didnt start actually changing til last year. i also wanted to say that at the treatment facility- no other therapist was as involved with their resident as he was with me. i did not say that to him today though. i think he knows, anyway.

i feel terribly guilty now. i feel sad..i have the hole in my chest. im trying to just put it all aside and go to work later. carry on... i feel like T was pretty affected by our conversation , and i feel sorry for saying all of those things. i dont want him to be upset or feel sad about what happened. i told him i know he means well. i told him that i know people make mistakes, and things get ****ed up.

oh man that was a pretty intense session and im all sorts of F'd up emotionally right now.