Quote:
Originally Posted by Xynesthesia
Yes my pattern is definitely related to mentorship. But in the past they tended to be intensely erotic and romantic, and I got into quite a few sexual/romantic relationships with those mentor type figures. That was actually how I found out that some of the attractions were really pure transference, meaning only desirable in my imagination. When the real thing happened, I found some of the people completely neutral, if not actually repulsive, in a sexual sense. Some were interesting and I truly felt being in love though. The best explanation I could come up with for the sexual/romantic element was a desire to merge with that person that I perceived as a more evolved form of myself. Conquering that person gave me a feeling that I am closer to that ideal self (values) and am worthy of that position. It is interesting that one of my therapists completely fit me attraction/romantic pattern, and while I did experience some ET and occasional fantasies, that wasn't the most dominant type of feeling for him. Much more it was a twinship type of thing, to have him as a brother or something like that. I think that I just exhausted the ET in my youth. Also, for me, the fact that a sexual/romantic affair is out of real perspective with a T is a turn off on its own, the feelings just don't last. Probably this also shows that it's not about longing for closeness I did not or cannot have.
Yes the Ts actual personality and behavior can definitely bring out different things. I had pretty radically different experiences with my two therapists, even the occasional sexual feelings. For example, with one I only had pure sexual fantasies once, nothing romantic, I did not imagine an actual relationship with him. With the other, it is easy and pleasant to think about pretty much anything in the sexual/romantic palette but those feelings never became very obsessive and persistent. I prefer the brother thing for him (the appeal is the real similarities and being equals) but it is fluid.
Another pattern I have observed specifically in relation to being preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies about therapists is that actually that is an avoidance strategy for me. I sometimes keep my mind full of those things and avoid dealing with my real problems and tasks. Escape into that fantasy land instead. I imagine that this is perhaps not very uncommon for people who have avoidant attachment tendencies, but not sure. It is certainly a way to avoid real intimacy and relationships. And then I tend to dump Ts after a while, then re-start, etc. Or keep them at a distance, communicate with them via email rather than going to sessions, like currently. I am actually quite surprised that they engage in that, but others also described keeping in touch with their exT via email. I find that the emails can really intensify certain kinds of transference, since there is much less reality check than in person, in sessions. I often compare my email interactions with them in my mind to an analyst's couch (not that I lie down in sessions).
|
I can see escaping in fantasy land as a defense, and then the emails as a way to avoid intimacy.
Some of the patterns you mentioned don't sound very distressing, twinship sounds kind of healthy to me, or at least not unhealthy... It also sounds like you like to keep your Ts at arms length and be the pursued rather than the pursuee, if I'm guessing that right.