Yes most of them is not particularly distressing for me, at least not the kind of transference patterns we are discussing here. There has been a repetitive very negative feeling/interaction pattern with one of my Ts that can be very distressing, especially the fact that I continue to contact him in spite of it affecting me negatively like that (that is certainly a transference). I actually do a lot of pursuing that can be stressful, I can get very obsessed interacting with the Ts or even just telling them all kinds of stuff. It is stressful because, as I said, I use it as distraction and avoidance, am aware of this, and yet won't stop. Then it often goes all over the map and I become frustrated that therapy is lacking direction and I use it more as distraction than working on worthwhile goals. So my pursuing is not so much about craving love, attention, support etc, but the discussion - I love to discuss and dissect these personal, psychological things, it's addictive. Even in a one-sided way, just think, analyze and share the result. I think that I am one of those who could use multiple sessions per week instead of writing emails, but I don't want to do that because I feel I would do it primarily just for the sake of it, as a hobby, and it's rather expensive just for that purpose (my analyst would say this is a resistance). I often feel that, especially with the second T, it's more pleasure seeking than actually working on issues. Yes that twinship thing is quite pleasant and he an excellent conversation partner, but sometimes I feel it is more like interacting with a friend than therapy.

I do keep the Ts at arm's length as far as emotional engagement goes, why I don't experience the whole thing as painful as many describe it here, I believe. My issue is that I get obsessed with the analysis and discussion, that is my primary defense against emotional involvement. I think that I am quite armored otherwise, so that defense definitely keeps the pain of transference at bay, but not the obsessiveness I described above. For me real progress would be breaking through those defenses and willing to be more vulnerable in a more steady way. Allow more emotional engagement rather than the cerebral I am much more prone to.

So, to go back to some of the questions in the OP, I think intellectualization is a pretty effective defense against emotional pain, for me at least. For me it is habitual but I believe some people on the forum mentioned developing (in relation to therapy) a more cerebral approach as protective mechanism against insecurities and being easy to get hurt and harmed. That's how it developed for me as well, but as a very young child, and it's become automatic. So for me self work at this point is more trying to go in the opposite direction, to peel off those layers of armor. I still don't feel very comfortable with dependency but very much like the idea if interdependence, and what I aim to develop more. I very much agree that taking down old defenses that lead to repetitive, habitual patterns and replacing them with new, more mature/balanced ones is the real deal.