My Support Forums - View Single Post

onlykrc · Dec 22, 2004, 11:45 PM

Kinda long, so thanx to anyone who can help.

I used to be a frequent cutter (last time I cut was 3 months ago...relapse, won't happen again). I told my school counselor that I was a self-injurer when I was in ninth grade, she told my mom, and I got to go to hospitals, 3 times. Boy, that was fun! (sarcasm). It has been two years and I am now in the 11th grade, I'm 15, and because of all my issues I'm in a special education program inside of a regular schools. It's not 'cause I'm stupid, none of us really are...I actually am taking an Advanced Placement course with the regular ed population right now for a college credit. My program is for kids with emotional issues and we have staff:student ratios of about 2:8 and very good therapists.

Ever since I was in hospitals I was diagnosed with bipolar, ocd, sepration anxiety disorder, oppositional defiant disorder (very mild, I'm just really argumentative), major depression, and some type of social anxiety disorder.

And bordeline perosnality disorder traits, which I paid no attention to 'cause my bipolar was my biggest issue...NOT ANYMORE.

Lately I've been doing such uncharacteristic things. There's this guy in my program who I flirted with last year a lot. He's extremely manipulative and can have sometimes sociopathic tendencies, so he can be pretty mean, especially to me. He always says mean stuff to me and about me, but it doesn't bother me 'cause I know he's just showing off for his a**hole friends. Simply put, he can be a little abusive sometimes. He's never physically done anything, except for one time when I playfully pinched him and he slapped me. And yet I still mess with him. He has been able to convince me to get sexual with him...on a school bus...in front of about 2 or 3 other kids (usually asleep).

I know it's a very stupid and self-destructive thing to do (we recently got caught and I can't sit near him on the bus anymore), and now we are making plans to have sex outside of school. I dont' really want to, but I need something to do to cope with the boredom and emptiness I feel all the time. This isn't the type of person I am. He has a girlfriend and I don't care about him, he doesn't care about me. It's just that I prefer to not get emotionally attached, that way I can't get hurt.

I've also started to do just stupid and irrational things, not new for me but it's never been this bad. After me and this boy got caught the director of my program informed my mom and so to punish me and (really to unconciously get me back for hurting her) my mom took my cellphone away on Friday night. I was too tired to fight for it, so I waited until Saturday...her birthday. She was already upset and I made things worse for her by begging for my cellphone for about 5 hours straight. I broke a coaster, hurt my hand punching the wall, made scratch marks on my wall with some scissors, and threatened to cut myself. Why the hell did I do that? I was just so pressed and I truly believed that getting my cellphone back was the only way that I could keep myself from cutting. She gave it back after I refused to stop lying in her doorway.

There is so much more that I'm doing and thinking right now that is scaring the hell out of me, my mom, and my school therapist.

Bottom line, I'm scared that my borderline traits are becoming a lot more than just "traits." My therapist thinks so too. And really I'm not scared for me, I'm scared for my mom 'cause I love her and I don't want to hurt her anymore. But I also don't care enough to want to change. Part of me, like 60%, likes being this way. Craziness is all I've known for years now.

I just needed to vent.

Thanks for any feedback.