just checking to see if this is normal. I usually sweep everything under the rug. I realized I hadn't even considered asking anyone about these things...

so, I will write them here.

I don't trust myself... I'm worried that everything I write, everything I do for work makes sense to me but is unintelligible to everyone else. like i'll write a report but it just turns out to be gibberish.

so I check and double check and triple check and I am slow.

theres this small voice that always just tells me to kill myself.

in general, my life is fine. but everything I do, I feel empty and lifeless. I have no desires. I stay at home because I am afraid of going outside or I simply have no desire to. I feel like I am not living, so I am no one. I am trapped. I feel like time is moving on without me and I am just here.

I don't think I'll ever have a breakdown. I am just fine.

I sometimes fantasize about not doing well until I pass out in a public place. I want to be brought to the doctor against my will. but I'm always fine. always.

thanks for reading.

guess I just needed to write this. I wish I could say I am not doing so well, and feel like those words meant something. Maybe if I had someone to listen, or to give me attention. again, that despicable trait rears its head. I think this all has its roots in some misguided romanticism and me wanting to be rescued all the time when I was a kid.