I'm so sorry about the pain you are in. Keep posting whenever you feel the need. I know it helps me to get things out here when I'm in a really bad place.

What you're describing sounds like me during a mixed episode. In fact, I feel myself beginning to slip into one. It's true that meds need to be taken consistently for there to be any real benefit, but I can relate to not liking the way some of them make me feel. These episodes definitely require intervention sooner rather than later though.

Maybe it's time to talk to your pdoc? It sounds like you need a lot of help.