last week i went into therapy with a list of all the things i had hoped to get out of therapy.i had hoped i would be able to give it to her and we could maybe start to work on them .then she threw this all at me. i never gave her the list it just doesnt seem to matter now. i was so hoping i could be a different person ,someone not so horrible . i guess that doesnt matter now anyway . i just want to disappear. she said she was not going to leave until i learned to grieve the fact that i never had a mother . but before that she said she wasnt planning to leave until after the first of the year . so i really know when it is happening . she explained how therapy has a beginning ,middle and an end. it is never meant to be forever . i know this but she acted like i didnt . she started giving me the line about how therapy is a different special relationship etc... i know all this i told her it wasnt like that and it just doesnt matter ,it is just who i am and what happens to me . she said what im just one more person leaving you . i just said arnt you? she started with the whole song and dance about how she isnt abandoning me and this is different etc.... great she said she will help me and wont leave me untill i grieve the mother . but i cant do that i have no idea how and never in the time she has given me .and i also had my list of things . things i never agreed to or tried to work on before . she said there is a beginning ,middle and end . im not at the end and how can she decide that for me . im devastated and keep thinking of hurting myself badly . then i think she will give me the song and dance about how doing this will not make her be able to stay . and i know this .it pisses me off that she would make it about her and then say i am . in reality all this devastation and hurt has nothing to do about her selfishly it is all about me and how i cant face the fact that this is how i am going to be for the rest of my life . who would want that .it is nothing to do about her but she cant get out of her own way to even see that