There are things that deserve anger and things that don't and it's important to pay attention to one's own reactions that can contribute to the problem in the relationship. Confusing? The relationship itself is suffering from poor communication so with that it can easily get confusing.

It's important to pay attention to the "I" too, because in a healthy relationship there is nothing wrong with a partner doing things they enjoy and have friends that doesn't include the other partner. However, this is the area that has been a challenge because his wife may have made bad choices due to her own hurt ego and low self esteem issues and loneliness. This is something people do too and there are a lot of examples of this in this forum too.

One of the biggest challenges in a relationship is maintaining a healthy level of "companionship". One of the red flags that is absent is when a couple becomes "just room mates". This is when one or even both partners will "wander" in a quest for their own sense of "personal value".

A couple should develop their own interests and even cultivate friendships this will help each one to develop their sense of self better, but, it's essential that the couple continue to cultivate their own relationship by sharing the experiences they have with others where they learn things that they enjoy OR even experience things they may not know how to respond to or feel about.

It's also important that in a relationship each individual can be independent and develop hobbies they enjoy doing where they don't have to do together too. Often, for example, the husband may enjoy playing golf or he belongs to a baseball team with other guys while the wife enjoys riding horses and developing skills and interacting with others who also have that hobby. This is something that "each" partner has of their own and should not be something that becomes a threat as there is nothing wrong with having a hobby or passion that is personally rewarding. It's also "ok" to be able to socialize at work too, as often in work environments individuals do develop connections and friends where they can discuss the work atmosphere and different challenges in that atmosphere.

When it comes to relationships and making sure there is enough "companionship" within that relationship, it's important to "learn" how if a relationship becomes one partner servicing the other's needs all the time that leads to nothing more than the two individuals just going through a routine together where "yes" the relationship does become nothing more than "room mates" and that isn't really a "relationship".

Each person in the relationship needs to feel "important" in their own way and it's really not unusual for a couple to develop communication challenges. Often this is something that develops over time too. So, it's very easy to fall back into that old routine that created the problem to begin with simply because as human beings we tend to be creatures of "habit". Often it is these habits that contribute to relationship problems no matter "who" the other person is, so even if this relationship cannot be repaired, it's important to "learn" what one's own part is in the relationship that contributed to this so this isn't repeated. Human beings tend to be drawn to "what they know" how to do and don't often realize this can set them up for getting involved in the same routine with a similar person that was not healthy for them. This is something that has been revealed a lot in this forum too. So, it's always better to LEARN one's own part that contributed to a problem so they don't end up facing the same challenges.

DadFMF has expressed a desire to "try" to recover his marriage and that he does love his wife. Sure, I could make it a point to focus on all his wife's faults and failures and tell him she is using him and to just dump her. Yet, he WANTS to try and I am respecting that and so is his therapist whom he has described as being "tough" on him sometimes, yet he is recognizing as hard as it might be, this therapist is right and he WANTS to do things right and learn. He also struggles with anger and control issues. So, he needs to learn how to get more control over that. So for him to do that he has to have someone help him when he gets angry in a selfish way so that he LEARNS how to slowly recognize for himself when he is practicing this. He is not stupid, HE CAN LEARN, and he also has to learn to have "patience".

That being said, the fact that his wife has agreed to engage in some counseling is also a major positive because she needs to understand what she may be expecting of him that he is struggling to understand and SHE needs to learn how to better communicate with him too.

IMHO, he LOVES his wife, he is trying and his wife needs help to see that along with ways she can communicate to him where he understands her better.

When he "shares" things that happen, things his wife does say, I have been trying to help him understand what it could mean from "her" perspective. She isn't helping him this way, she is NOT communicating in a way where he understands her. He seems to respond better when something is explained to him, he gives it a lot of thought, so IMHO, he needs to "learn" how to understand what she is saying better so he doesn't just stomp off in anger and frustration.

They are BOTH at fault and they BOTH need to learn how to communicate better with each other otherwise they will not LEARN how to work WITH each other so the relationship becomes and grows more healthy.