I'm 59, and was depressed as a child, but back then no one noticed. I first got real help at 30. Looking back and thinking about how I was, I now realize that for most of my life I was pretty much operating on a sort of auto-pilot. Most of my actions and behaviors were in survival mode. I had no support system, no one who cared enough to understand what was going on with me, just a lot of criticism and ostracism. I did internalize the negative opinions and criticism from others, and it did become the inner me. But still, my instinct was to survive. In later years I did start fighting back against my main abuser. It did not lessen the abuse but lessened the effects of it.

I guess I'm telling you this to show you that you can endure more than you think you can, and that there is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. I understand wanting a final permanent escape, but I don't think that is what you really want. You are young enough to make a better future for yourself. Small goals and plans could be a start. Of course getting you in mental shape to take care of yourself would be first.

Please remember you are a survivor. All of us here are. Each day you wake up is a new chance to make you and your life better.