I started writing a letter last night to the boy I hurt, who I still love. I never told him that I loved him because we went through a rough patch and for awhile I was too mixed up in my own problems to realize what I was doing to the people who cared about me the most and I started pulling away. I've been having a hard time lately and I just feel like I haven't been able to express myself well enough. I feel trapped in my own head, so I started writing it all down. Then revising and revising until it became less of a rant and exhale of grief and more of a confession of feeling. I don't know how he will react. Maybe not well. But like I say in the letter I can't leave town until I've said and done everything I could. I've always been a fighter, and just because I've had my downs and I'm in the lowest point I think I've ever been, I can't stop fighting. Below is the letter.

"You called me after set one time, and at the end of the conversation right before you hung up you said "okay, bye. Love you." And I knew it was just one of those end of convo things that people sometimes say on accident automatically, but either way it didn't weird me out any.
There was a time I started to love you, maybe not full on love yet, I don't really know. But I loved you and that's never really gone away. But then I started pulling away, because that's what I do. Graduation happened and then a lot of stuff just became too much so I pulled away, started drinking more, and forgetting more. Not just the small things from night to night but who I was, and forgetting to care about the people I cared for. Because I guess it was easier for me to pull away and pretend I didn't care than to face everyone I loved leaving, and even me leaving. I was terrible at showing it and dealing with it but those feelings for you never really went away, and it took me doing something stupid and messing up to realize what I was pushing away and what I had with everyone still around me, including you.
I never once lied to you, and I hate myself every day for hurting you. I'm sorry I wasn't as good as I could have been, but I was happy with you and we were happy together and I did love you and I still do and I'm sorry I abandoned that. I think that's why I've been fighting so much, but I know it's too late.
I know you don't want to be with me right now, or anyone. It's been hard for me to stop fighting, but I understand that you need to heal. I want to give you your time, and I'm not writing this as another way to get back together with you while you're still hurting. I just wanted you to know how I felt before I left, and that when you're ready I'll still be here, because I do still want to be with you, whenever you might be ready. I just didn't want to leave without you knowing how I felt or leave with things the way they are right now. We barely talk, and when we do there's bitterness. You're important to me and I just don't want to leave in a bad place. I just miss you and I know it'll take a long time to repair whatever we can, but it just feels like you've been getting farther and farther away every day and I just don't want you to disappear.
With love,
Adela