I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder since a lot of years.

But I managed to function just about average with mild memory issues and confusion and no mood or.motivation blah blah blah.

Things got a bit worse since the past few months.
I had two suicide attempts.
But I stopped midway in both of them cause of my goodbye call to a man fifteen years older to me who lives in a different state currently and is my lover or who I love but now I don't know what to call it. (Now understandingly he wants to have nothing to do with me cause he says I left him in a helpless state and he can't bear the stress and doesn't have the finances of taking care of future similar episodes.)

I have had four ect treatments since then.
The effect of the first one faded before the second one, and the rest don't seem to work.
The doctor I go to says I need to be patient. I see no point in anything. I seem stubbornly adamant to believe that somehow.
Even though my brain tells me I will put a lot of my family that cares for me in pain by acting on the thought, I have this urge to do something and I regret not finishing my attempts the past few times.
I should've just completed them.
I have a loving family and good exposure to life on general. But I myself am just not made for living.

I just so terribly want to complete the attempt I started. And be done with life.

Is this how others who feel suicidal also feel?? Or is it just me??
And has anybody who felt this way come out of it to feel like they are okay to be alive now?