I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Everything you've described is, while crappy, normal given the circumstances.

When S (my former therapist) and I ended therapy abruptly and without closure 4 months ago, I was thrown deep...deep into a grief that I thought would never end. You know how, at the ER, if you've been in an accident, they ask you "Do you know where you are? Do you know what has happened to you?" Those lines went through my brain (and still do, honestly) over and over and over. Non-stop at first, less now. Because I honestly couldn't register what had happened.

It does get better. Not quickly, not all at once, but it does get better. Just last night, I had a HUGE panic attack and meltdown over S being gone. Because parts of yourself won't be able to move on at the same pace as other parts. (If you're not familiar with Internal Family Systems, that might not make a lot of sense to you, but it helped me a lot with understanding all of my feelings about S and what had happened.)

Finding new support is, of course, helpful. But, honestly, it is ok to take a break if you want. Even if you find excellent new support, it is going to take time to build trust and even find any sort of willingness to connect. I've been seeing my new therapist now for about 3 months, and while he's great, it is definitely not the same. And, last night, I was screaming "I don't want J (new therapist)! I want S!" Like a child. Because, yeah, that's how I feel... like an abandoned and traumatized child.

But, whereas a few months ago, that panic attack and "I'm going to die" feeling would've gone on endlessly for days and days, I was able to come out of it in an hour last night. So, it does get better. It takes a lot of work, a lot of readjustment, time, patience, self compassion.