Hi everyone,

I am new to this website - I just created an account because I am really struggling with these crippling thoughts and feelings and I don't know what else to do. For background, I recently began cognitive therapy, but I was in psychoanalytical therapy for appx 7 years before that. I feel like I need my old type of therapy to help me with what I am going through

I am a 30 year old female. My parents divorced when I was 19 - my father left because my mom was an addict and he couldn't bear to be with her anymore. I was always VERY close to my mother growing up (almost too close - causing me to be a very sheltered kid), but I also idealized her. I thought she was perfect. When I found out she was an addict, my mind wouldn't let me accept it. It was a struggle that's taken years to get past, and I am still struggling with it actually. I have a lot of anger towards both of my parents - my mother for putting me in the position of needing to parent HER, and my father for leaving me to take care of my mom on my own. And I am also angry at both of them for fighting in front of me and my brother when we were kids.

Since I was a child I have suffered from low self-esteem. I seek approval from others and try to get attention from anybody. From years of therapy I realize this is because I was somewhat neglected as a child (even though I thought my childhood was amazing at the time).

For the past 10 years I have found that I seek the attention of strong female women, likely because I long for a RESPONSIBLE, strong mother (my mom is a mess). As an example, there is an executive in my office who is beautiful, powerful, smart and a single mother. I look up to her so much. But it gets to the point where it's unhealthy. I will dress up when I know I am in a meeting with her. I get nervous speaking to her. It's like I wish she would adopt me, or trust me as a close friend. I seek these close relationships with strong female figures. I get obsessed with them.

Anyway, now I will get into the current issue I am facing because it is driving me absolutely nuts- I am really suffering. I am tearing just writing this. I feel like a freak, and it's so frustrating because I know this is a need that will never get met. There is a TV show I have been watching (The 100)- there are 2 strong female characters, each leading a separate "clan". One of these female characters is ruthless (Lexa)- she will kill you if you just look at her the wrong way. The other female character, Clarke, is the opposite. She is a leader who tries to save lives.

Throughout the show, Clarke and Lexa are enemies. But there comes a point where they need to join forces and they begin working together. You begin to see Lexa's soft side, which didn't even exist before. She was hard as a rock. Over time, Lexa went from wanting to murder Clarke, to falling in love with her. There is a scene where they had to say goodbye to each other (permanently) and Lexa is tearing (which is so abnormal for her because she hasn't showed feelings her entire life), and they both kiss. This drove me CRAZY. I wanted to be the one kissing Lexa so badly. Seeing her become vulnerable and soften made me want to take care of her and rescue her. I crave that intimacy, longing, and passion. I now fantasize about being the one who is there to console her and kiss her.

I then became obsessed with Lexa and her character, Alicia Debnam-Carey. I began watching youtube videos of bloopers of the show, interviews with Alicia, and I feel like a freak for doing this. It is painful because I feel that I want that closeness with her so badly but I will never get it.

Now I know there is more to this feeling than simply having a crush on Lexa (I am straight by the way). It must go down to a deeper need of wanting to feel needed, wanting that deep emotional intimacy that causes someone hard as a rock to soften up. Just thinking about Lexa and the kiss really messes with my head. It puts me in a bad mood because I know it's an unfulfilled need that I have. I yearn for closeness with a strong female role model. Then I judge myself for feeling this way and I feel crazy.

I'm not even sure what I am looking for by typing this. I guess maybe just to know I am not alone? I keep trying to find information on this sort of feeling on google but I can't find anything, and that's making me feel like more of a freak.

Please help. I am suffering a lot. Thank you so much if you read this entire thing.