Everybody has their role models and heroes, I consider this completely normal. Given your past and "connecting the dots" between your unfulfilled needs and fears that came true, what you're experiencing seems inevitable. I am sorry to hear this is causing you so much distress.

Do you have a therapist, a counselor, someone you can openly discuss these feelings with? I suspect they might ask you, what do you want and how can you get that in ways that are productive? How can you come to grips with the reality that parents try their best but are flawed as anyone is, in ways that give you a sense of peace? I think a therapist would be helpful in answering these questions.