I had no idea what was going on for the past 2 years of my therapy sessions. No aims, no plans, I just went there for 2 years straight and got to know a female therapist very well.

I guess I suffered sexual and romantic transference. I think she suffered it also. It became a game of very confusing exchanges of words and actions between both parties that most likely caused her as much confusion and pain as it had me. Nothing ever became physical, yet it felt like that was where both sides wanted it to go. Neither side was willing to make the move, yet it was clear that is what both sides wanted.

My last session ended on Monday last week. She told me she was wondering what we'd be considering after counseling ends she wouldn't be my therapist anymore. I was waiting for her to say we could be friends or possibly more. What I got instead is that she wanted to be my mentor. At that moment I felt such disappointment and a deep sadness. I had spend 2 years crazy over this woman and then when I expected things to be different she said that. She promised she'd never abandon me in the past, although I am not sure if she'll keep to her word. It's been a week and we haven't spoke. I feel very suicidal and alone. I know it's just been a week, but it feels like months when I feel as unhappy as this.

I feel so lonely with this because I don't feel able to talk to anyone about it. I haven't anyone to talk to apart from when I phone the Samaritans. They don't make me feel much better though because they either fail to understand due to not experiencing it themselves or they want to end the call early because I just end up wanting to repeat every single thing she's ever said or done and they say the call isn't going anywhere and tell me to call back after having a think about things.

I hate myself for what happened. How could i be so stupid. I go to sleep every night hoping she'll call or text me. It feels like my whole life just revolves around waiting for her to contact me. I don't feel right seeking her out with texts though because I want her to talk to me if she wants too. So i wait and wait. I could be waiting forever all I know.

I feel as though I am such a minor person in her life she will forget about me and carry on her life like I never existed. She took me out for ice cream on our last session, but maybe she did it as something special for a last goodbye. The thought of never seeing her again hurts me more than I can put into words.