Quote:
Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend
I'm sick of feeling this way. I am almost always either so angry that I want to break things or hurt other people and/or myself or so sad that I want to cry myself to sleep. I am sick of hurting and I can't take it anymore.
I can't handle the pain of being alive. I can't handle living in this dark lonely scary world. I can't handle being an adult. All I want is for somebody to show me some compassion and help me but I have nobody. I just want to be loved by somebody. I want somebody to hold me and tell me that I will be OK. I want a mother figure. I want somebody.
I want to live in a fantasy world. I game because I want to live in a world where I'm good at things and people respect me. I want to escape from this world because it is so ****ing painful. All I want is to either game or die. Nothing else is important to me.
I'm sick of everything. I know I'm not good enough for people. I am so unhappy all of the time, that must be why I don't have any friends. I push people away or piss people off because I am always an angry cynical selfish little bastard. I have no redeeming factors about myself. I can't make friends or get a girlfriend or get a job because all of these things require confidence and good social skills and I don't have any of that. I am useless. I am nothing.
I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I have scars all over my body from biting, scratching, burning, and beating myself because of how much I hate myself. I want to drown out the emotional pain that I feel deep down inside somehow. I can't take it anymore.
I hope I don't wake up tonight. I want out of this **** world. If there is a god, please take me tonight. I beg you.
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Hi Darkness,
It sounds to me like you've gone through a lot, and I'm deeply sorry to hear that, and reading these posts, it sounds as if you might be blaming yourself for many of your issues. The truth is, you are far from useless and are, in fact, something much greater than nothing. You've exhibited that you're able to identify your strengths, like your talent for your video games, or the fact that you started some small business with, Dropshipping, is it? You've identified some goals for yourself and now it's just a matter of reaching the smaller goals that lead up the larger scope of how you want to see your life.
You wrote that you want to "either game or die" and I don't know if you mean to say that you would like to play games all of the time or just continue to play video games while reaching your goals. Either way you look at it (and I don't have to tell you this but it begs reiteration) gaming all the time isn't realistic. Constant gaming can lead to a sedentary lifestyle which exacerbates the anxieties you experience. At this point, you just have to figure out a way to balance the gaming with work.
If you can, try to strip away all the negative connotations associated with
work away from the term, and look at it again. I believe what remains is work in a greater sense that leads to you accomplishing your goals. Like another poster mentioned, maybe try looking at the naysayers (even if that naysayer happens to be yourself) and prove them, or yourself, wrong. When you feel angry and want to hurt yourself or others, why not go out for a run, or take it out in some healthy way using your body.
And maybe a drastic life change is the right thing for you. College is not for everyone, and many of my friends are so successful without having gone to college! It's expensive, and the arguments for not going are strong - many already understand that. However, don't stop learning and pushing yourself. It is the age of the autodidact with the advent of the internet!
Is dropping out and getting a job an option for you? College will always be there for you to return to.
When you speak of life being "too damn short for this crap" you are right. The society we live in is unfair and often unjust, but with the right mindset, life can be entirely rewarding.
You mentioned that you don't want to write because you already write too many essays for class, which is understandable. But I urge you to try to see the sort of therapeutic journal writing as something entirely different. There is no professor to grade it, just sit down and write. Write about anything and everything. When you write about your trauma and your internal struggles, they are very literally leaving you through the ink or lead, or pixels for that matter. Your feelings of anger and distress are all of a sudden separate from you. This makes it easier to look at them objectively and see them for what they really are.
When you wake up on July 06, and read these posts, know that you can begin today by getting yourself closer to reaching your goals. Write out a schedule, be strict with it. If you don't want to give up gaming, then don't, but gaming all the time won't get you any closer to realizing your potential.