That was an anti-climax of a session. I talked a bit to R about how the last week has been really hard for me, in terms of keeping the ‘box’ shut and only being able to be authentic with a few people.

‘I get the sense that authenticity is really important for you at the moment.’
‘Yes.’
‘You can be authentic with yourself, even if you can’t be authentic with everyone around you.’
‘Maybe being authentic with myself involves accepting the reality of those 2 or 3am moments.’

Then I mentioned that I had written a poem a couple of weeks ago ‘that explains the post-session experience a little better.’ (Hangover) I attempted to read the piece aloud, but had to stop due to being hit by a wave of emotion as I read the words ‘My life is more than this.’

R asked me whether the sensation I was experiencing was physical or emotional. I am pleased that I recognised it as emotional rather than physical. I eventually said to R that I did not think I would be able to finish reading the piece and handed her the paper. She asked whether I wanted her to read it aloud or to herself, and I said it would be better if she read it to herself.

She understood why I was unable to finish reading the piece, but said that it is powerful.
'When you had that break there, it seemed as though you were realising...'This is my life.'' ( )
I then started to say ‘September 2007...’ and intended to go from there. ‘We...’ ‘We...’ ‘We...’
‘So many times I have tried to bring this out into the open with people who should have known what they were doing, and I just ended up feeling unsafe.’

‘Your tone changed when you said that. I sense some anger at not feeling heard?’
R and I agreed that whilst it would not be possible to create an absolutely safe environment, the environment in which we meet is safe enough. ‘I am safe. And yet I am still scared.’

R offered that given the nature of what I have experienced, perhaps there will always be some fear there, but perhaps we can start to talk about the things so that I don’t have such a difficult time with them at three in the morning?

‘We nearly lost her three times in the back of the ambulance is the tip of the iceberg.’
‘OK.’
R sensed that my aim is to bring the stuff that bothers me at two or three in the morning into the session and talk it through. I was able to tell her that I need to talk about the details to get them out and I don’t know what will happen when I do.

‘When I cross that barrier, the floor falls away and I have nothing left to stand on.’

Next week we are going to talk more about September 2007.