Mary Alice,
Ok, you have told me many times that you appreciate me being straight forward and honest so I will be just that.
I am glad you sent an email to your T even if you feel dumb now doing it. If you were honest with how you felt then there is no reason to feel anything but good for reaching out.
I see in you someone who wants to live. I read your posts about your son and I KNOW that you are not willing to give what you have with him up nor are you willing to leave him to go thru life without you. You talked about your stay in the hospital and how hard it was on both of you. How much he depends on you being there and how much he means to you.
I also have read in your posts that you don't want to open up, you want help but you won't let anyone in. You want it, you want to get better. You want life to be good. You want your T to help you and you know he can. He has the understanding, the knowledge and the heart. You can't blame him for giving up. You have to want it bad enough to put yourself out there. It's hard to offer someone love, support, compassion and understanding when you KNOW it will come back as a slap in your face. There are so many others hurting out there and him being a professional with a heart, would be better off spending his time on a person who is willing to work WITH him to heal rather than against. No one, not me and I am sure not your T expects you to throw everything out on the table at one time. It takes commitment and it takes guts. It hurts. Some days you will go home and feel like crap. Some days you will feel just a little better. It takes time. It took alot of years and alot of hurts to get you where you are today. You have to make the first step. You have a safe caring environment with your T to do that. Please don't waste it. You have a chance to get better and make life better. Please dont throw it away. You have a chance to show your son how strong a woman can be and how life can be dealt with and you can win. Give you and him that chance.
"I wanted so much to jump up and down and say HELP ME PLEASE but I can't."
Why? Why can't you?
"I want to go there and tell him to stop me, to change my meds, to DO SOMETHING because he is the only one who can - but those words will never come out of my mouth."
YES THEY CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"if he is giving up, that simply reinforces my own sense of worthlessness."
He is not giving up because you are worthless. He is giving up because you wont let him help you. What choice have you given him?
You have two options. You can go on witht he rest of your life the way it is and deal with it until you can't take it and then end your life according to plan, leaving your son to suffer or you can tell your T what you really want and start the process of getting better.
I know this may sound harsh and pushy and whatever but I want you to get help so badly. A week ago I spent an entire day sick with anxiety because I didn't know if you had killed yourself. I don't want to ever have a day like that again and I don't want you to either.
There is help for you Mary Alice. Even if you dont feel worthy of it. You believed everyone else when they told you that you were worthless. Why is it you can't beleive anyone who tells you that you are not?
You are worth alot to us here, to your son and also to your T. Believe it!!
It's on you to make the first step. You want to. You won't have to do it alone. You have us here and your T to go thru it with you. You just have to decide.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley