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Katie_Kaboom said:
(derealisation/depersonalisation, whichever) while I was out with my dog and then I realised it was because I am completely shattered inside, even when everything in my life is in place.

It's like pieces of a puzzle, but I thought that the puzzle was done when in fact, it was only an illusion. Maybe it was covered by plastic, pieces put into the wrong places, like some children's puzzles are when bought, to create the illusion of a finished one..

This, what ever it is, is truly eating me, and all I know that it manifests in the experiences of dissociation.

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your story sounds a lot like mine in that you had a long term period of a reality you just didn't want to fully be in and feel the full brunt of. i can so relate to your use of the word shattered "even when life outide is in place". very well articulated and really hits home. a trigger of sorts but not in a bad way. just making me feel the pain of what you are describing and it's so hard...like a living hell to be a puzzle that is in pieces trying to put itself together. i hate it i hate it i hate it. makes me want to cry. you really get it don't you??? that's so comforting to me. knowing somebody "out there" knows what shattered feels like and the disilllusion of thinking it was together at a time only to enter another stage where you realize it either wasn't or if it was, it has disintegrated again.

dissociating is the hardest of hells isn't it?? my life feels like it's been lost to this. even the moments of joy i think i may have had i can't connect to once they have passed.

sorry to blab on and on. i just really liked how you explained yourself.

susan