Hoping for some outside input, with the understanding that this is on the internet and life is more complicated than a single post.

I have been with my husband for 16yrs, married for 7. 3yrs ago we moved to a new state as I was given fantastic job opportunity and his contract was ending at his job. I still love my job. When we first moved, he took some time off. Figured it was only fair, he worked while I was in graduate school and after school I was struggling to make decent money...maybe $12,000 a year through various outlets. Once I was employed, I thought he deserved time to figure out what he wanted to do. 3 years later, still no job. He has been teaching himself coding online via a couple free online programs.

I approached him this past winter about getting out and starting to look for work. He does not feel ready/qualified yet, but has yet to measure his true skill in the real world. The relationship is falling apart. He does not want to go out..with me or anyone. A while back, I approached him on not feeling connected, and was told that I created the situation, so it was my turn to suffer through it.

He blows up every couple months, yells, tells me I am judging him, that because of the choices I made he is now forced to do things he does not want to. (He wanted me to have my own business, and I was not good at it...got the salaried job instead, and 'took away his life' by creating a situation where he could not support me). Calls me selfish and cruel, overly sensitive and that 'I don't understand aggression'. The next morning he apologizes...acts like nothing happened and I still feel jerked around.

I question if it is abusive, intentional or not. I have earned all the money in the last 3 years, we had nothing save prior to that as a result of both of our decisions. I cracked this summer and bought a ticket to Europe with my family after he initially said he didn't want to go. 2 years back we 'returned' a vacation package because it wan't financially responsible. Bought him a ticket to Europe too after a fight and we spent a lot of money...but according to him, I ruined out stability by spending recklessly...but he was happy to enjoy all the same...with no financial contribution. Vacation is paid for, no debt was accrued.

I look at this post, and things I have written in the past and I know I am not happy. When I think of leaving all I see is chaos. Most time with him is pleasant...and I really do love him. No one can tell me what to do..because it is ultimately my decision. No one I know, knows about this struggle for me, because I am embarrassed to share and afraid that it looks like blaming, when I know there are 2 people in a relationship.

Long post, I know. But any thoughts would be helpful. Thank you.