It was only recently that I realized that I had to seek some kind of help from outside myself, meaning I had to get some kind of medication to shut down whatever part of me was making me feel the way I was. I totally don’t believe that it is all in your head, but I have come to the conclusion that there may be some value to at least momentarily escaping the suffering that is caused by this enhanced awareness or whatever it is that we suffer from. Like I have said, I was at the very very end of my rope, something bad really was about to happen, and I had to do something. I am not planning to medicate myself out of being who I am, but it honestly did show me another way to see the world, just like any other recreational drug or even alcohol does, but without as many side effects. So, even under the influence of this stuff, I realize that what it comes down to is that I am taking a pill so that I feel more comfortable conforming to other peoples concepts of how reality should be perceived. Well there is something dishonest about that strategy is what I truly believe, and although my psych doc said I might have to take this the rest of my life, I have already taken a whole week off of it here and there, and I can handle being my old self just fine, but in the short term, I don’t mind experimenting with it a little more, since honestly I think it did save my life. But, I have to say as well, loneliness is sure probably the biggest factor in why my natural state of consciousness is often so difficult to tolerate. For the next few weeks though anyway, I will stay with the med, being as it is the holiday and I will be seeing a lot of family. It keeps me kind of level in a way that I am not accustomed to and wont mind playing around with a little bit. I wonder if this is how normal people feel all the time, but I will never know, because for me its strange, almost like the way I feel when I am dreaming, just accepting what is in front of me without any questions about deeper meanings, etc. It is definitely a less conscious condition than what I am used to but something of a relief, but it will help me interact with all the relatives. I haven’t seen my brother in like 5 years so that’s one positive thing to come out of having a total breakdown at least. Of course now I have to explain to him why I live with our Mom again, which Im not looking forward to