It isn't worth living for, I'll say that. I can't stop crying. I've found myself reading about methods and mentally composing a suicide note. I think I want to play with a baby bunny before I die.

I gave my mother cancer - considering I've been ruining her life since I was born, maybe it's not a surprise. Lately we've been looking into my moving out because otherwise I'll get in the way of her recovery. Everyone in her social circle hates me and wants me to die (or at least, if it's down to her or me, it won't be me, something I get told often), including family. The other day we were so calm and happy, we'd just looked at an apartment and were talking about plans to still work together even if I lived elsewhere.

Last night though, my mom said all kinds of things that are making me seriously wonder if I could set everything right by killing myself. "I live for the day of your death, I can't wait to spit on your grave, if you even have one!" "I hope every bad thing happens to you - I hope you die in agony of the worst cancer imaginable - they'll have to cut you to ribbons to get at it and they still won't get it all!" "You're the most evil person I've ever met - I think you're actually the devil incarnate." (that last one's interesting as I've thought the same thing)

There are no more self-pitying excuses; I really do only deserve bad things in life; I certainly don't deserve to be successful or happy. But no one actually wants to live like that if it's avoidable, least of all a self-centered egoist like myself. My entire existence is and always has been toxic, unconsciously oriented towards ruining one person's life. I didn't even mean to, I just wanted to be independent, to do whatever harmless, legal things I wanted without fear of criticism, punishment, or control. The result is in dysfunction so severe it hurts people, when I don't even see how what I'm doing is bad.

The main reason I'm posting this here is in some hope that there's another solution, a way to fix everything enough for my conscience or even make full reparations. But I can't take much more.