S (ex-T)

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm so needy.
I'm sorry I want you so much, so often, so much of you so often.
I'm sorry for crying. So much. So frequently. All the time. You're the only one still who I let "see" me cry.
I'm trying. I really am. I'm trying.
I'm sorry for being afraid. All the time. Always. No matter what.
I'm sorry for being ... this. I am ashamed. Like, more than you know. I feel like a failure of a person. I feel...dirty, actually. Like I should just be able to shut this off -- all of it. I used to be so good at that, do you remember?
I feel I'm letting you down as a friend, disappointing you as a friend. This isn't what you want in a friend. I know that. This isn't fun for you. This isn't positive for you. I don't really know why you still let me be in your life at all. I don't know what you could possibly be getting from this except a lot of headaches.
I'm trying. I really...really am. I'm trying.
I want to be a normal person towards you. I just have no idea how to change to that. I have no idea how to stop hurting over not having you here, not seeing you every single week. I know you just want me to get over it. I know everyone wants me to get over it. I am trying. I swear to god I'm trying.
I ****ing hate me. I hate me. Especially the me I am to you. Weak and clingy and crying all the time and terrified. This is why I resisted SO HARD ever letting myself let go with you. I was terrified if I started, I could never stop. And that seems to be proving true.
Believe it or not, this isn't who I am with others in my life. Only you. And I am trying so damned hard to be with you like I am with everyone else. But you are not like everyone else to me, and if I'm honest, I don't want you to be.
I know
You've got other things going on. Moving, new job, Mexico, health stuff, probably many things I don't know about (it kills me to now be so disconnected from you that I don't know what's going on in your life anymore.....it kills me so damn much).
I'm trying. I'm sorry. I am. I hope you can find some scrap of me worth keeping around. For whatever reason.
I'm just so ****ing sorry. I'm sorry I walked into your office 3 years ago. I'm sorry I've imposed myself on your life. I'm sorry I asked you to promise not to leave me. I'm sorry for attaching to you. I'm sorry I began to love you. I'm sorry I love you still. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for existing. I'm sorry to the whole freaking world for being here. I don't want to be here. I'm a ****ing mistake. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.