The reason I came to the PC forums was to get group support. Feedback, hugs, and commiserations have been wonderful here. its also helpful that posts can't be erased, because usually I do get rid of anything I write. The indelible nature of these posts and my profile have forced me to see...me. I look back over my posts to keep track of my ptsd. It shocks me that I started this thread just a few weeks ago. So much happens in my life, mind, feelings in such a short time. I almost feel like a different person in every twist and turn. I am even keeled, yet a fractured person.

I haven't been too uncomfortable the past couple weeks. I've had anxiety and stress, anger, sadness, fear, problems to solve, etc., but I haven't been having symptoms that I can't explain. It's hard to even remember what ptsd feels like right now, until I read my past posts. Then I see the date on the post and ..gasp..it wasn't that long ago. PTSD distorts time, or something.

By getting a break from triggers, I can almost just put the pieces together and expose the obstacle. But nope! I start with the tight jaw, vomit urge, angry sick feelings, stupid benign splash images of doorways and carpets and flooding. Until I want to scream **** it and smash glass. I want to punching bag a lot of faces. will I ever get past the obstacle? It feels smaller I think. I want to wad it up piece by piece and toss it in the fire. But, where I want to go straight, I split in two! I remember someone here saying when they remembered things, it didn't make it easier. It's like rock and hard place. I have noticed that with enough detachment from certain people in my life...living and dead...I'm so much better. I've come a long way. When I think about going forward with the admitting things, though, I feel self destructive. The difference now is, I've learned to love myself.

I'm not triggered right now, but I'm refeeling the feelings in my past posts. I have worried so much about being judged, labeled, mocked, rejected. I'm feeling compassion for myself and all my struggles, pain, abuse, and neglect. When I'm in this integration operation of long ago me, recent years me, weeks ago me, and right now...I think I could be healing.

I'm starting to believe the past can't hurt me. But I still think I need to fight it.