At one time I chose never to do therapy again. I preferred using my funds for other things. I always paid cash and never used insurance. Fast forward my teenager and I were going through a difficult time and found a good Family therapist. She saw that I was an empty shell with little reserve and after two months where my son would come sometimes if I bribed or threatened him, she offered me individual sessions in addition to family. I was reluctant, because I did not want to spend the rest of my life in therapy wow is me-ing. After all I was a single mom with a teenager. She said it would take 18-24 months. After a few weeks I found myself incredibly attached. (I didn't know anything about attachment or attachment therapy) It was painful as hell, but worth every second of what I suffered through to get to the other side. It's a personal decision, but I do know that a therapist that has done their own work and is solid at their emotional core is a prerequisite. I found an old poem that I wrote to FM, early on in our journey, but was in a crazy state at this point I know nothing about writing poetry. I may have shared this years ago when I was on PC.

I want to loose it all, but I won't. I won't give in!

My body is ready to burst

I won't give in to the craziness.*

I am a mother with a child that needs me

I am better than the labels that were put upon me without my consent.*

I am not crazy

I am a human being*

I do have control over my feelings.*

I am just saddled with unrequited love from a wounded mother*

A mother that could not nurse her own hurts

To mother me the way I deserved

Don't blame me

Don't run away from me

Don't make me the Pariah of your profession

Don't turn me away with the first phone call

I need you, we need you

We need to be,

Reparented

To know that someone cares from beginning to end

Stay by my side and let me grow my proper wings

And then, and only then, let me walk through your door

As an equal

To all others

Can you hear me

jackie, carolyn,

maryanne, suzanne,

virginia, marina,

and all the others

whose names I cannot remember or maybe choose not to remember?*

FM, you are the last stop on this journey.

Are you with me FM?

Can you handle me? Will you handle me?*

How will you let me walk out your door?

With a shove

Or your gently opened fingers