Been feeling it more the last few days. I've realised it's about my past, not having a mother growing up.. I feel nothing can make up for that void!

I think I've tried to numb the pain (can you call emptiness pain..) by overeating sweet/greasy junk food, making myself physically ill.. Nothing else just seems to make me feel as 'warm' and 'full' inside.. I want to stop doing this, but I don't know what else to replace the emptiness with..

But now I've started to think - maybe there IS nothing I can fill it with.. Maybe I'm not even supposed to? Maybe I 'just' need to grieve.. Grieve the loss of my mother (she was physically present but emotionally unavailable and even harmful..) So far, it has seemed too awful to even admit, to be consciously aware of this truth But I can't go on like I have so far..