So i'm home from the healing ceremony with my drumming group. Only, I'm so jacked because of this t thing that it wasn't very healing for me because I got my feelings hurt and felt so left out over something completely dumb.

I have never in over 3 years of hanging out with these folks ever felt anything but loved and accepted but today I felt judged and had to get up and leave before I started crying. And it was so stupid!!!!! I know it was just a simple oversight and no one had any bad thoughts about me but because my heart isn't right over this t thing, I took it all wrong, felt left out and hurt, and left before I started crying.

What happened was at the end after the ceremony was over the facilitator had brought chocolate rose cake, and she was cutting it and passing it around you know how you pass it around to the person next to you conveyer belt style until everyone after you has one and then you get the next one? Well when i handed the piece to the gal on my right that she kept because it was her turn to, and then turned to accept my piece, the gal to my left looked at me and then started eating the piece instead of handing it to me. I kinda shrugged my shoulders like "what?" and by this time the people on the other end of the circle had finished theirs and were asking for 2nds and i just sat there drinking my water trying not to cry from feeling left out, feeling judged, feeling like the gal who didn't hand me a piece to eat was thinking "You don't deserve any because you are so fat." She didn't even know me, we'd never met before, and the folks who come there are not the type to judge people, we're a loving bunch, you know? so i know it's all in my head and because of this thing with t. and besides it was just cake, who cares, right? i can make my own and eat the whole damn thing if i want.

Ugh. I just wanted to dump that out of my head so i don't start hating on myself. i'm stronger than that. right?

Meh.

eta: I am just going to sit here and be proud of myself for realizing it's this thing with t that's got me messed up, and has nothing to do with my drumming folks.