sickntired, I am currently on a low dose of zoloft. I'm seeing a psychiatrist next week though and I anticipate a major med adjustment (my argument that I'm fine doesn't really hold up anymore).

Well, I doped myself up on constant caffeine and nicotine and forced myself into a productive frenzy. I could still feel the hurt but I was busy enough that I ignored it. And no, I can't pull this off without massive amounts of caffeine because as wicked pointed out, it takes a hell of a lot of effort.

The downside is that last night I emotionally crashed at about 11pm. I just sort of physically gave out and the depression and anxiety and hurt and doubt all came flooding back with a vengeance. Once again I wanted to die so once again it was hot showers and sleep.

Today I'm repeating the same pattern. Lots of caffeine and nicotine, lots of activity and external stress and a complete denial of anything I might be feeling. There's a strange sort of madness that goes with this, like you feel yourself ready to snap but that's a risk I'm used to.

Hell, I'm just happy to be getting through the day.

Cyran0