i'm not sure where i should put this but know it will be moved if in wrong place. I'm not writing for any advice, help, support or anything. I just need to write and if what i put can help someone good. If not good also. It's been almost 3 weeks since i was last on here but feels like three months.
Not sure where to begin so this might jump around at times. In the last three weeks i was wrote up at a job that i don't fit into the environment of, i almost walked out on my family, i started seeing a therapist that believes i was misdiagnosed and don't actually have Bipolar, found out my maternal grandfather's black lung has turned into cancer while i was at my grand parents 60th wedding anniversary.
the write up is the result of letting my demons win instead of fighting them. I spent way to many days at home instead of at work so they wrote me up because i never brought in a doctors note and have never told them about my depression. I'm in the mindset of i really no longer care what they think. I've come to accept that i really don't fit into the environment there because i don't have a record, use drugs or alcohol, listen to rap music, dress like a thug or get away with telling the CEO of the company to F Off. so i started looking for a different job in hopes that i find one that will pay enough to get back on track because money is a real big issue in my household right now. Especially since the judgment against my wife and i finally tracked me down and take about 1/4 of my income.
And money is one of the reasons i almost walked out on my wife and kids. My wife and i got into a big fight a few weeks ago because i caught out son stealing food from the kitchen and hiding it in his bed after refusing to eat what was made for dinner. i got in my car and left with just the cloths on my back and whatever i had in my pockets and car. but i realized i was being a selfish asshole and drove back home to just hang out in the garage until i could calm myself enough to reply to my wife's attempt to have me come home and talk it out. We've been good since with only a few minor arguments because of misunderstandings.
the therapist is young enough to be my kid and i get an odd feeling from him mostly because i'm not sure if he likes having me as a client or not. let me explain a little background on this. Because my father is a registered member of a indigenous tribe it means i and my children are allowed to use the services meant for members only thanks to a treaty that oddly enough was actually honored by both the US and the tribe. I always get an odd feeling because it's very clear that i'm not enough of the tribes blood to be using the services in the eyes of many members. My therapist is full blooded and it caught him off guard the first time he realized i'm not "native." but i guess he's accepted that fact enough to actually tell me during one of my sessions "he was worried about me" because i'm more stoic than anyone he's ever met with the exception of the few topics that have cracked my shell enough to let what's there through. I also have realized that i have to talk to him in simple as possible language because he does not get some of my metaphors when i explain how i feel.
And as for my grandfather.... i don't know how to feel, think, react or anything to it. I've never been close to that side of my family though they are the ones i've spent the most time of my life around. I just have never connected with my mom's family because i don't relate to the life they chose as farmers trying to make a living on treeless land littered by stone that was left when the glaciers carved out the valley. So it's not good to try and grow crops and livestock is a hard thing to make a living with in the environment were they live. I love my grandfather but i just don't know how i feel about the news that what was though to be just black lung from the decades working in the granite quarry and starting to smoke before he was 15 has turned into possible cancer.
As i said before i just needed to write and figured if anyone actually cared about where i vanished to, and if they did they didn't try to contact me on here except for one person who's account evidently is suspended now. comment if you want but don't feel like you need to.